Some of our strongest memories are also painful ones. Often they involve fights with a spouse or a girlfriend over any of a number of issues. If fighting brings on so much pain, why do we continue to engage in them?
Chronic fighting doesn’t just happen to clueless couples who know nothing about resolving a conflict. Sometimes there are wrong things about the relationship that invites constant bickering. Five of these are discussed below:
No two people are alike so conflict is inevitable.
But the less compatible you are with your partner, the more differences you will have and these will always be a potential source of conflict. When two people are completely incompatible, the best that they can hope for is a relationship that is based 100 percent on compromise.
Some consider compromise to be a noble thing, but if your entire relationship and your life is nothing but a collection of compromises, it’s not much of a relationship or a life.
This is why getting to know that person you’ve started dating really well before getting into a serious relationship is so important. It’s rare that two people will have perfect compatibility, but at least they should have a lot of common ground.
2.) Relationship Isn’t The First Priority
There is a tendency in many of us to coast along. Once we have something, it’s a given, and we concern ourselves with other things.
The problem with treating a relationship this way is that it isn’t something that’s going to sit still for very long. If you aren’t giving your partner enough attention, boredom, resentment, and even loneliness will set in.
No one takes themselves for granted. Likewise, no one should take their relationship for granted because it is an extension of yourself. Without your partner, you are incomplete.
Some truths about conflict:
- Conflict can do a relationship good or destroy it. It’s all in the skill with which it is handled.
- Some of the greatest lessons to be learned come about as the result of a conflict.
- It forces unpleasant truths on us that we would not otherwise acknowledge.
- Listening only to points of view identical to our own is intellectual incest.
- The pain of conflict is often self-inflicted. Your reaction is entirely up to you.
- Make an effort to understand those who view things differently from you. You can understand someone without having to agree.
- It’s easy to be kind, understanding, and compassionate with those who agree with you. Can you be the same with those who don’t?
3.) Past Baggage And Hot Buttons
The older we get, the more life experience we acquire. This is a good thing and a bad thing. Of course, the good thing about life experience are the lessons that we’ve learned.
The bad is all of the personal hurt that we carry around that we’ve never resolved. This causes us to jump to the wrong conclusions about our new partner’s behavior or about an innocent remark.
Too many of these hot buttons turn the relationship into an emotional landmine where one false misstep blows up to a fight.
4.) Too much stress
When we are stressed out, our body secretes stress hormones. These make us more likely to react first and think later. We become less patient, less giving, less thoughtful, and more likely to react negatively to an irritant. Under these circumstances, it’s all too easy to take out our pain and frustration on our partner.
Money may not be the root of all evil but it’s a common reason for discord among couples. It’s not the amount of money one has that fuels conflict. Rather, it’s differing ideas on how it’s to be spent or saved. Coming to an understanding on this, developing a plan and sticking to it is vital.
Minimizing fights and arguments starts just before your relationship becomes serious when you should be looking for points of compatibility. Once your relationship becomes serious, take good care of it like you would yourself.
Be aware of your own emotional baggage and don’t allow it to color your view of the world. Too much baggage severely restricts your enjoyment of life. Get help if you need it.
Finally, stress and money management are important skills to master. Money, in particular, should be dealt with in an upfront manner.
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