Twelve Signs That Your Ex wants You Back
You and your ex have had a parting of the ways but now you have this sinking feeling that the break up was a mistake. If she also had the same regrets as yours, then you might stand a decent chance at getting her back. But asking her straight out may be too chancy, so perhaps some subtlety is needed here.
Before anything else, think over the nature of the breakup. How severe was the situation? If the difficulties were over small things that finally blew up into something big, she’ll probably want to come back after a little cooling off.
It’s less clear if more serious issues were at the heart of the break up. If this is your situation then you need to tune into the small signals from your ex that she wants you back. Here are twelve:
1.) Is she having adjustment problems? If she is, then her relationship with you is still important to her. It means that she too is hurting from this loss.
2.) Does she want to be friends with you? This means that she’s unable to completely let go. Remaining friends with her is very advantageous. It keeps intact an open channel of communication. Over time, this can be leveraged to get her back.
3.) Does she tend to apologize for some of things that she said during the heat of the break up? This indicates a desire to make amends.
4.) Does she volunteer compliments about you when you talk? Even an indirect compliment about something that you own has significance.
5.) Is your ex seeing someone else? If she’s not involved with anyone and you’ve been separated for a while, it could mean that she values the relationship the both of you had. Perhaps no one else measures up.
6.) Has she stayed in contact with you? This means calling you up, returning your phone calls, and engaging in conversation with you.
7.) What do her eyes and body language tell you? If she has an interest in you, her eyes will widen and her brows will lift slightly when she first notices your presence. You should also look for dilated pupils. Be alert to prolonged eye contact when you converse as well as her making small adjustments to her hair.
8.) Another indication of interest is mirroring. Mirroring is a subtle imitation by her of your mood or of your body language. Other things she may mirror include the rhythm, loudness and tone of your speech.
9.) Is the word “you” used a lot in her speech when she talks to you? If so, she is using second person speech which is a more personal way of communicating than third person speech.
10.) Is she still doing the small favors for you like she did in the past? She wouldn’t be doing this if she had no interest in you.
11.) Does she conclude a lot of her sentences with a question asking for approval or agreement? The questions at the end of her sentences are an attempt to draw you deeper into the conversation.
12.) Finally, be alert to any sort of nostalgic talk about your past relationship.
Looking for a complete guide that details the entire process of getting your ex back? See my The Magic of Making Up review and find out if this popular manual is for you.
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Comments on Twelve Signs That Your Ex wants You Back
hi my name is nik and i just broke up with my girlfriend 3 weeks ago i we had our ups and downs she gave me some chances 1st i wrecked her car the 1st week or so we were together then i had a addition problem after my surgerys and she kind of forgave me for all of them but about 3 months ago i lost my job and i have been searching for a new one but i felt like a loser around her and didnt want to talk about it at all nor be around anyone we talked everyday and told each other we loved each other and stuff like that but she felt that i thought she was ugly and fat and all those things and she is not any of those at all i love her with all my heart and i am trying to show her that i have contacted via text messages thats all and she awnsers bac very nicely but how do i get her back without smoothering her in any way and i asked her out to dinner and she just said no its to soon i am sorry so she is being really nice how do i do this because it is killing me down deep
Hi Nik. It sounds like losing your job has caused a lot of changes in the way that you relate to her. She senses this and may feel that it has to do with her. If you haven’t told her how your job loss has affected you, she may mistake your “down feelings” about not having a job as down feelings about her.
We are in a recession and times are hard for everyone. Being unemployed happens to almost everyone so try not to be too hard on yourself.
It’s a very good sign that she still answers your text messages. If she thinks it’s too soon to get back together, then try be her best friend for now. Say things that will make her feel better and try to be more upbeat in your messages. Put more energy and confidence into your job search. How we feel about ourselves also affects how others feel about us.
Good luck.
hi i broke up with my gf just yesterday and ive come here seeking some help. We had been together since dec 08 and on jan 18th i moved into her house with her! Pretty quick yeh i know but we were so in love with each other and we were talking about getting married and everything. Life was great i tell you. We did so much together. She has two kids from a previous marriage, one boy age 6 and the daughter 3. I have a 9 yr old son from a previous marriage so i am a good father for her kids. I think the relationship failed cause i moved in with her too fast and i was only there for a month. So 4 mths later we have broken up, she told me she still had loving thoughts of her ex whom she divorced two years ago!
As i was leaving she was still saying i love you and hugging and kissing me, crying, the whole thing so i think she wants me, still i don’t know…
She is 27, im 34. How long should i wait to rekindle the flame or is it not going to work at all? Please help
Hi Ben. Sorry to hear about the breakup. The one thing that really stands out is how fast your relationship progressed. Courtship should last a good deal longer than 40 days. Not that I’m recommending this, but some people date for years before talking of marriage.
There’s two clear issues here. First, there’s been no real courtship stage where two people find out through dating whether they’re compatible. The other issue is her feelings for her ex. Two years should be enough to get through the grieving process.
You may want to have a few ‘get togethers’. Try to proceed more slowly this time. Don’t talk about marriage. It’s too soon for that. Marriage talk puts too much pressure on the relationship. The same goes with moving in. It’s too much change too soon. Excessive change is stressful. You might try to agree to just having fun together for now. Nothing more complicated than that.
The first part of courtship should be a lot of carefree fun. Fun is supposed to relieve stress, not create it. After sharing a long history of fun romance with another person, true bonding will take place. That bonding becomes love and then it becomes clear if marriage is right for you. But bonding requires time. You’ve both been married and have kids so there shouldn’t be any rush for that now. You can afford to enjoy the journey instead of fixating on your destination.
With respect to your girlfriend’s feelings for her ex. Many people are able to move on with their lives and form new relationships even though they may still have feelings for their ex’s. For some however, it becomes a barrier they can’t get past. The only way for you to know is through time together (dating).
Hi, my girlfriend broke up with me 3 days ago for the second time. We have been dating for about 16 months and have been very intimate and close. Unfortunately, we were very dependent on each other and very possessive. Our relationship lasted like that but although we did less and less of being dependent and obsessing, we were more impatient. We still loved each other but one day, just because of a little obsession, my girlfriend exploded at me and said she does not want to do this anymore. She told me that she wanted to do so much with her life but felt constrained when she was in a relationship. Meaning, she wanted to travel, help people, go on church missions etc. I was always willing to support her but she had lost her patience completely. When she broke up with me, I constantly did the DO NOTS and always called her up. This lasted about 1 months as our longest time not spoken was 3 days on and off. Most recently, she called me up and told me about one of her problems and ended with a note “I love you.” Few days later, we went out on a date and although at first we were quiet, we broke it down into tears and spent a wonderful day back together as bf/gf. Unfortunately, although i felt that she did not want to rush this, I thought it was okay. For the next 3 days, we spent great times together smiling and laughing and we did get really intimate. After those 3 days, it was time she had to go on a 1 week trip w/ her friends. I wished her a good time and waited. During that week, I felt kinda happy that I felt more relaxed and less possessive. At the same time, I didn’t also miss her too much besides the fact that she wasn’t replying back to my email. However, when she did come back, we got into a small bitter argument real soon. Just when that happened, she exploded again and said “I don’t think I missed you and we did not miss each other at all.” We talked afterward and she told me that while she has bought souvenirs for her friends and family, she forgot to buy me one. She also mentioned that she never wanted to be in a relationship right now yet she had no option but to get back after the date…and kind of blamed me. I was in shock…did not know how to respond to that and we just hung up. I called her again to ask her why she was being like this and AGAIN, she treated me with her cold attitude, rudeness and constantly told me to go away and that i was being annoying. At one point, she had used profanity against me. The following evening, I texted her that we’ll be done for good, the way she wanted it. She replied back that she hoped that I understood that right now although she loved me, she did not want to be in a relationship. I could never understand that part…But anyways, the next day i had to go pick up my ipod that I had lent her for the trip. She told me that she left it in her front porch and also told me that she left something there for me. My mind was set and did not want to take anything of hers. I acted so desperate and without dignity the ENTIRE 1month period we broke up and got back that i wanted to show some dignity. When i got there, she had left me a pair of woven mittens but of course, i left it there. Sometimes, I think that maybe she was lying that she did not buy me anything from Peru but despite that…I don’t know what to do. Knowing this girl inside out, she would never be the girl to not miss me. Bu since she was being so cold and defensive while constantly telling me to go away, I am convinced that she does not miss me anymore. What do you think? Do you think I should just move on and stop being clingy? I have not called her the past 2 days and I just want a decent and reasonable answer…please help.
Michael,
I see two needs that your girlfriend has that are in conflict. The first is the need to explore the world and herself and to see what life has to offer. In some people, this need live life to it’s fullest is very powerful. This is especially true with young adults. It’s always best for such a person to do something that will satisfy this need in some way. If it’s ignored, the person will go through life feeling frustrated and filled with regrets.
The second need that your girlfriend has is the need for intimacy. This need can’t be ignored either. The perfect match for your girlfriend right now would be someone who’s a bit like the perfect travel companion. Someone she can experience the world and life with. The relationship she would have with this companion would be intimate but would be more focused on enjoying what’s “out there” in the world rather than an “inward looking” relationship that’s 100% focused on each other. Relationships that are too “inward looking” can become obsessive as well as possessive (your own words). Being totally wrapped up in each other to the exclusion of all else may sound romantic, but such a relationship can’t last long. Sexual passion can make such a relationship enjoyable, but only for the short term. After a while it becomes too smothering.
Too much possessiveness, obsession, and too much dependency on each other is never healthy for any couple. This is especially true with your girlfriend. She needs a relationship that she can enjoy life with. Now the question is, can you be that person? Can you see her as your travel companion through life. Do you also have a need to explore what’s “out there” in the world? In life? If so then both of you are a perfect match. If not, then the two of you aren’t compatible.
Another point is that being clingy will only make her feel more smothered and will reinforce her decision about breaking up. So that is the wrong way to get her back.
Hi, my girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago, we had been together for well over a year and everything was going great, then all of a sudden so dropped the bomb of i need some time and space ive got so much going on and i cant cope with it all… i need to be alone. I had in the weeks before the break up tried to get her to talk to me about what she was feeling and going through but she always use to respond with im fine ect almost saying you dont really seem to care. We had small minor problems like every couple do, shes in a good job and has decent money, while ive travelled the world and been to uni, and for the last few months ive been stuck in a dead end job, while she has suggested shes ready to get her own place ect. Im in no position to do that and i get the impression she seems to think i lack motivation in going places with my life, when i want the same goals as her. She has spoken to me very often after we broke up, but I know deep down that she still loves and i just dont want to walk away from her as i really believe she is the women for me. any suggestions or help would be great. I really love this girl and i dont want the great journey we have been through to come to an end, when we had so much to do.
Hi James,
As you must understand, I can only read through the 260 words or so of your comment and try to figure out what’s going wrong with your relationship. There may be more happening than is revealed in your comment. So all that I can do is react to statements that “jump out” at me. In your case there’s one:
“for the last few months ive been stuck in a dead end job, while she has suggested shes ready to get her own place ect. Im in no position to do that and i get the impression she seems to think i lack motivation in going places with my life, when i want the same goals as her.”
This may very well be true. She may not be feeling comfortable about moving ahead faster than you. It could also just be one of several issues on her mind. There are many women that have no problem with making more money than their partners. Often the guy is studying in school to advance himself and the woman stays with him because she understands that he has a goal that he’s working toward and is improving his career potential.
Perhaps you’re not trying to improve your situation as aggressively as you should be and she senses this. One part of your comment that is revealing is:
“when i want the same goals as her”
Having the same goals as your partner is quite a coincidence. It may be that your own goals in life aren’t that clearly defined yet. Without defined goals it’s impossible to be ambitious and eventually get somewhere. Having goals that are the same as your partners strikes me as being a reactive desire to keep pace with her so that you can remain worthy of her. It’s either that or her goals are as good as any for you.
Your goals should come from within yourself. They can be influenced by others but only because these other people have inspired you in some way. Goals are very strongly linked with self identity.
Women in general are attracted to strength. This is no myth. There is an evolutionary reason for this that I can’t get into here. Strength in a man can come in many forms. It can be physical prowess, wealth, power, or some very strong character trait. Having a goal or vision that drives you, makes you ambitious, is one of the greatest strengths a man can have. It comes as no surprise that this is a common requirement in many online personal ads that are written by women.
Me and my ex tom dated a few yrs ago. he dumped me twice. we got along good but then we just kept fighting. i am now with a guy named david who treats me better than ne1 ever has. we have been together for half a yr. but my ex tom recently told me he still loves me and wants 2 b with me. Tom did this to me in the past. i dated this kid peter after me and tom broke up. peter ended up dumping me after 9 months. we broke up bc peter just lost his feelings for me. i felt bad being unfaithful 2 peter. peter never knew tho.. but i never kissed tom on the lips or more. it was just lik me kissing toms neck or sumthing stupid. ive done that behind davids back 2. but if lik kissing on the neck cheating? idk =// i didnt mean 2. i feel rly bad n i cnt help it and im confused. i hate that tom does this wen im taken. he told me 2 move on then he changes his mind. but i kno its bc he gets jealous. idk wut to do. i kno i still have feelings for my ex tom tho….
Hello Jessica,
You have a strong attraction to Tom but he’s not good relationship material. A good relationship should be mostly stable. Fights can happen but your relationship with Tom has a long history of conflict that is not likely to ever resolve. Some people enjoy roller coaster rides but imagine being strapped into one that never has an end. It’s not good for you.
Imagine being married to Tom and imagine the torture your kids would endure having to witness the incessant fighting. If you have feelings for David then focus on them and don’t have anything to do with Tom. If you continue your communications with Tom, David will either find out or he’ll sense that somethings going on. He’ll leave like Peter did.
Become a stronger person and take charge of your life.
Hi, My names Peter and ive just recently split from my girlfriend of a year a few weeks ago and have found it really hard as not have i just lost my girlfriend, ive lost a very good friend too! We had been friends since school and we just fell in love with each other as time went on, and we decided to give the relationship a go. Everything was going well, until i just recieved a txt one night saying that she needed some space as she had alot to deal with and couldnt cope with it all. Shes recently started a new job and there are problems going on within her family and all the stress has just built up on her. Ive tried to get her to talk about it, but she never said much… and ive recently learned from mutual friends that she didnt feel i was being supportive of her. I felt let down by this as she has been there for me through tough periods and she shuts me out when she should be needing me the most. Ive spoke to her once since and got very little out of her, I gave it 2-3 weeks before i tried to make contact with her again and all the response i get now is that im a fab guy and she loves me, but she says she cant cope with someone in her life at the moment. I dont just want to walk away from this great girl, she has everything a guy looks for in a women. Ive just found it really hard that we going so well one day and then the next day everything had gone even the friendship. If she didnt care for me in a relationship sort of way know, i could take it as i know you cant force someone to be with you, but shes also throwen the friendship out to. I find hard to understand and even more so that i was going to propose to this girl later this year. We had a few problems but they werent major it was mainly to do with the time we spent together… she works earlys and i do nights, but we had the weekends together. This seemed to work really well because we really valued the time we spent with each other. The last month we were together she started to get annoyed that i was a little short of money at the end of the months, but this was simply down to me saving for a engagement ring. I have some really mixed emotions about whats happen and all i want is to hold this girl in my arms again. Do you think i should tell her about what i was planning to do? or is it just best to be left alone?
Telling her about the ring isn’t going to solve the core problem but it could shake things up some to get her to talk. It seems that either she prefers avoidance to confrontation when dealing with difficult issues or there is a deep disconnect in the relationship that’s been building for some time that you seemed to be unaware of. That she is so resolute about not talking makes me think that it’s the 2nd possibility.
People are different in their needs for companionship. You’re fine with the limited time you have together but perhaps she isn’t. Most people have a need to reach out to others for emotional support when they are having difficult times. The effect of being in an empty home in times of need would make her feel that she’s not getting enough support from you. The other aspect to this is that men aren’t as good at reading the emotions of others as women are. Somehow during the time that you spent together you missed the clues that something was bothering her.
Hi, I am in a steady passionate relationship with a girl of my class for the last five years and are planning to get married early next year. The talks with both the families are through and both the families are very happy and contended with the relationship. But in Feb, 2009 I came to know that she was having some doubts about the relationship (basically her sister informed me as she felt something was wrong). I subtly asked her about this, at first she told nothing like that but slowly she opened up and I came to know that her feelings for me has diminished an that she does not love me the way she did or the way I did. I was horrified by this as it was a bolt from the blue and all my plans were already in very advanced changes. I would like to mention that we stay in different cities and often used to fight on trivial issues and I used to get into a fit of anger. But we immediately used to patch up and say sorry to each other and everything used to be fine. She told me that she was getting the feeling that we are not compatible and these fights were the reason that she was feeling less love for me. I tried to solve the situation and realised my mistake that I was wrong it getting angry in a wrong way and apologised to her and promised that I will not repeat the same again. We love each other very much and share a deep relationship. So I thought that it will get ok and even went to visit her to apologise and sort things out. But though she was with me I could sense a deep resentment for the relationship but she was very nice and assured me that everything will be alright if I give sometime. I agreed and told her that though I love her profoundly and things have gone so far with both the families involved, I will not go ahead with the marriage if she continues to feel like it. On this she said that no two thoughts about marriage and that we will go ahead with it and that she will get ok. I left her city hoping that things will get alright but I sense the opposite. We used to talk everyday on the phone and still do. But I have seen marked changes in the way she talks to me and feels cold, irritated or busy all the time. Though she always calls me up I feel as if it just a formality. Earlier she used to talk very passionately and energetically but now I have noticed that she is always tired or is just talking general things without any passion. If I bring up the issue of informing my family she gets very irritated and tells that everything will get alright and she will marry me. I am not able to understand this behaviour. Is she marrying me only due to social pressure as I feel that she does not love me the way she used to. If this is the situation please tell me what should I do as I am in a fix. All the marriage preparations are going full swing from the family side but how can I go ahead if the internal situation within us in so tense and how I can be at peace with myself. Please help and suggest.
Paul,
She may be experiencing what’s known as premarital “cold feet”. Marriage is a very big commitment and it is normal for everyone to do a reassessment of their relationship before the big day arrives. At the beginning of a relationship the couple is swept up in mutual infatuation and focus more on what they love about each other. Later on they begin to think more about the differences.
From what you have revealed to me, one issue that needs to be examined is the fighting over trivial issues and your fits of anger during these fights. As a couple you may be stuck in a pattern where conflict has become a habit. Habits are very difficult things to break. The effect of your history of conflict is that it sets up lots of little resentments that can be easily triggered by the smallest of things. Trying to avoid conflict in such a situation is like walking through a mine field.
Your anger response (fits of anger) to these fights over trivial things is an important issue you’ll need to examine. Anger in itself is a normal emotion that (in my opinion) is essential for survival. But it’s intensity should be in proportion to the ‘threat’. Raging anger is needed if you are fighting for your life. Anger used in a constructive way can motivate a person to improve their life. Small things should only trigger a slight momentary irritation if even that. A person shouldn’t respond to a mosquito bite in the same way as he would to being bitten by a tiger.
It is up to you to determine if what I’m saying is accurate in your case. If so then the help of a couples counselor may be needed before getting married. If I’m wrong, then it’s just “cold feet” that is causing her behavior. You can research the topic of pre marital jitters here:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20070223-000001.html
http://www.stayhitched.com/stages.htm
http://weddings.about.com/od/weddingstressmanagement/a/coldfeet.htm
Thanks a ton!i really appreciate!
Hi, Me and my wife of 16 years separated in the last 2 weeks. we were the perfect couple no one saw it coming including me. we had alot of pressure from helping other people and people living with us. She told me she still loves me and said she will never find someone as good as me but she has a overwheling need to be independent that she feels like something is missing. any help is appreciated
Hi Justin,
I take it that this ‘missing thing’ is a desire for a lifestyle change that is not possible under her current circumstances. Please remember that I can only work with the specifics that you gave me. I will take her ‘need for independence, something is missing’ explanation at face value. That is, she’s not just saying this to spare your feelings over the ‘real’ reason.
My sister left her husband for a similar reason. She said that she had a number of interests and desires to experience the world (extensive travel was one) that her husband did not share at all. But that is her. If your wife married you at an early age, then perhaps she wasn’t mature enough to make such an important decision. Whenever we make a major life decision, it is always done at the expense of other possibilities. All of us are ‘missing something’ in our lives because of our life decisions. It can’t be helped. Marriage at an early age also deprives a young person of their youthful urge to be independent and to be able to experiment.
Then again, there may be another side to her that can’t be expressed in her current situation. This may be due to the marriage, or your living circumstances, or to both. You said that you had a lot of pressure from helping other people and people living with you. Normally, helping other people feels good but if one is compelled to do this too much, it can infringe on our own need to indulge in ourselves. You mention that you have people living with you. This intrudes on the basic human need for privacy. Home is where we can relax and let our guard down. It’s our refuge from the social conventions and demands that society places on us. This need for a refuge to recharge ones ‘batteries’ is especially acute in the introvert.
I haven’t given you a definite answer here, but I hope it helps.
My girlfriend an i were together for 5 years but it has been a very difficult time for me trying to understand what it takes to make a relationship work and she always thought i should know these things but somtimes i had a har time trying to figure her out. Then i started to stray and i was unfaithful to her and she figured out that i was cheating on her i pleaded with her to give me another chance and she finally did and this time i was not unfaithful but i was dishonest with her. She gave me another chance and i did everything i could to make it work but she would always tell me that i was not being honest and i would play games with her and i had no idea what she was talking about. She finally told me to lose her number and not to bother her. Fact is i finally realized what lov really is and how i really felt about her but it’s too late i think?
Hi Ray. Perhaps it may be too late but it depends on her feelings at the moment. The fact that she’s given you so many chances suggests that you may get another. But I can see how her trust in you has eroded over those 5 years. When she found out about the unfaithfulness she was emotionally scarred by this. This weakened her trust. Subsequent dishonesty weakened it further. Because of this erosion of trust, it takes very little to make her suspicious of you even when you’re doing nothing wrong. If you win her back, it will take a lot of work and time to regain her trust. She will be less likely to forgive further mistakes. This is because even a small mistake can trigger her old feelings of hurt. This article may help you reestablish her trust.
I never figured out exactly what she always meant by me playing games. I honestly had no idea what she meant by that or was it all the scaring from the past. I am sure i should just let her go and be on her own for a while but where do you go from here?
You obviously still care a lot for her. Decide if you want to put the work into regaining her trust. It will mean always being a reliable and steady partner with her. It will take time. Try not to get defensive with her when she accuses you of playing games. You’ll need to avoid any appearances of playing games. With time, the accusations should pass.
If it doesn’t work out, stay involved and active and someone new will come into your life. Good luck.
Just recently my girlfriend of 6 years packed her things and moved out of our house with our children. I feel totally lost and all alone. She finally had it with me, i’m not the overly sensitive type and i must admit i was the greatest guy to be around.She stuck by me through everything, job loss etc. For the first 3 years of our relationship i never showed i cared or loved her according to her but she bent over backwards for me and was always there. But regardless,i took everything out on her and after awhile all we did was fight.
She was the perfect woman and mother, i knew all along i loved her, i just didn’t show it.All she asked for was the small things like cuddling in bed and watching a movie or holding her hand in public…i never did that. For the past few months i saw the errors of my ways and tried to change but i think it was to late.Now she moved out and lives a few blocks away with the kids, she still calls,texts and comes around to drop the kids off or asks for money, once in awhile we will still have sex too. I give her everything i got because i love her and she knows i’ll say yes.
When she was here yesterday i had a letter written out for her, roses for Valentines day and a card…it brought her to tears, she cried right in my lap and told me “I love you, and im sorry about all this and hurting you. Its not easy for me either but i dont know what to do right now and i dont know if we will ever get back together”.
She also said i made her hurt and feel like crap for a long time and now i feel and understand what she felt and went through. Just last year she admitted to me that she did have a one night stand with some guy and apologized for it (give her credit for being truthful).You know what they say “Treat your woman right before another man does”
I forgave her for that and it only happened one time and i felt it was my fault it happened (thats not like her to sleep around)
My thing is can i get her back? im trapped in a living hell and feel like less a man without my family here and all of us together. Just this morning she came over here with our kids so we could all have Valentines Day breakfast together…i love seeing her and being around her but it hurts at the same time because i realize what i lost.
She’s given me so many chances to prove i would change and now that i know what its like to live without her i have truly changed (doubt she believes it though)…i just dont know how to save or fix this relationship and bring my family back home.
Any help or friendly advice would be greatly appreciated
Hi. From what you’re saying, the situation looks good. You’re only a few blocks apart, you’re talking, she’s expressed feelings for you, and both of you seem to be handling this like reasonable people. You have the capacity for true self reflection and can see things from both points of view. You’d be surprised at the number of people who are incapable of this. Too many people get wrapped up in their own anger which makes them overly self righteous.
True lasting change is doable but difficult. You already know the ‘why’ behind the breakup and have already started the process of change. You will need to guard against regressing back to the old way of doing things. The stress you are feeling now is what is motivating you to change for the better. Stress can be a good thing sometimes because it’s such a powerful motivator. There is a danger that once you both have made up, this stress will go away and your motivation to change will also go away. You also don’t want to allow your desire to get her back right away to make you frustrated and angry and cause you to lash out. Keep going the way you have and be patient. A six year relationship is not an easy thing to let go – for you or for her.
Thanks for the words. I’m trying not to let my anger and hurt get in the way. I’m 33 and shes 29 so we’re both adults. i just hope sooner or later she wakes up and sees that theres more at stake here then just another relationship.
I’m just worried that the longer we’re apart the easier it will be for her to forget about it. I talked to her last night and all she would say is “Give me space, i have to want to come home” i’m just holdin on to hope and prayers.
Another question i would like some advice on is: Even though we’re broken up i still do everything for her, give her money take her out etc. does a woman see this as pathetic and desperate to the point where she will just take advantage of the man doing it (after all she did leave me) or do they see it as a kind gesture or just as a man being sweet? Don’t want to smother her or kill her with kindness or look pathetic but i do want to continue to do everything in my power for her and our kids.
You need to be very careful about the the advice out there. There is a danger that you may not apply it correctly. Projecting desperation and coming across as pathetic certainly isn’t attractive to the opposite sex. However, showing kindness and love is a big positive. So it’s all in how you show this kindness and love. Imagine yourself on the receiving end of someone who has a desperate need of something from you. This person behaves a certain way that exudes his desperation and you can sense this from a mile away. You would automatically discount any overtures that this person makes.
Now imagine someone who is genuinely caring or friendly making the same overtures to you. You would think this person is one great human being. This great human being isn’t asking or demanding anything in return. He does it because he simply has an abundance of kindness and just enjoys the act of kindness itself.
This may be very hard to do but the next time you go out with her, focus a little less on making her come back to you and instead, try to have a good time with her. If she gets enjoyment and fun from your get-togethers, it will remind her of the positives that a relationship with you has. Just remember that talking ‘business’ (the breakup issue) is not the definition of fun. Reawaken the emotions that made the two of you fall in love in the first place.
Hello, I’m hoping you can help me with this.
My ex and I have been together for 7.5 yrs, we’re both 25 years old now. We broke up about 2 months ago, and no communication for the last 6 weeks. I guess what makes me so confuse is that he seems to act like he loves me, wants to get married, and yet he ended things. I have to apologize because this post is all over the place, like mind is at the moment.
His my 1st bf and I’m his 3rd (both girls dumped him but he didn’t seem to care). I was quiet,serious and smart, and he was smart, vocal and funny. Some of our problems previously included him not knowing how to act like a bf (ie flowers, phone calls), exaggerating/lying to me about his life, and cutting himself (he was depress and thought about suicide). We were able to get through those and be happy. I always thought we love each other.
Our families have been asking us when we are going to get married. It was an unavoidable subject, during our numerous conversations about buying a house together and kids, I mentioned that I am hoping to get married after I finish grad school but I want to be engage for 2 years so we don’t rush anything (I am 3 sems away from graduating).
About 2-3 yrs ago I found out that he asked a friend to help him get an engagement ring. Then I went out of state for school and comes back home for vacation. From then on there were so many instances where he would hint and talk to me about proposing but nothing happened. When people asked about it or when I would joke about it he would say when I am finish with school, after he buys a house, him wanting it to be a surprise, not long distance, saving money for the wedding, etc I thought his reasons were valid so I was patient. About 3 months ago..he hinted that a few months from now we may be engage. He seems so genuinely excited so I believed him and told him that there’s no need for him to keep hinting. If he wants to propose then he should just do it. I didnt like how he keeps me excited then nothing.
When I got back for winter vacation he was excited to see me and stayed at my house for two days. Then we went to London to pay respect to his friend (the friend ended his life a year ago). During that time people at the hotel called me his wife so he asked me how it feels like. I told him it felt weird because I still feel a bit young. I jokingly proposed to him. He asked me “where is my ring?” . We just laughed at that. we did have our quarrels because we were both tired, couldn’t sleep, and the inefficient airport (which made him complain so loud to anyone who would listen…I just ignored him). When we came back he went back to work right away. We didn’t see each other for a week and only minimal communication. When I fnally get to see him after that week he broke up with me. He seems a bit peeved at that time because I didn’t see or contact him as much during the week. All he said was that he does not want to be unfair to me, and that he does not love me. When I asked for explanation he listed numerous things (ie feeling of being held back by me, falling behind or ahead of him when walking) but cut himself off by saying that maybe he is just making excuses. He still wants us to be friends and that I am his best friend. I didn’t cry in front of him but accepted the break up. We went to his place so I can pick my stuff. I took our picture off the wall, but he said he’ll keep it because it is a “good picture”. when I was finally done, I sat next to him and he hugged me, he even laid his head on my stomach and we laid down holding each other. Still, he was set on breaking up so I left thinking that that would be last time we see each other. He was going to give me a blackberry phone a few days from then but I texted him and told him to keep the phone. I didn’t talk to him for a week except for sending him our pictures. A week after that, I went to his house to pick up something. He wasn’t home so I waited. When he came back he told me he just got hit by a car and I accidentally locked my keys inside so I stayed at his house for a bit. Gave him a back massage telling him that this may be the last time I get to show how much I care, and in turn he gave me a head massage. I had my eyes closed when he was massaging my head so he gave me little kisses all over my face (except my lips). We held each other for a while and I thought I saw a tear fell. I was able to ask him what makes him think that he does not love me because to me his actions were very confusing. All he said was that he has doubts and the doubts are strong enough. After he said that he shut me off and would not say anything any more.
Please let me know what you think and if there’s still a chance…thank you.
Hi Mary. I’m finding it difficult to give a clear cut answer for your situation but I do have some thoughts on it and I’ll list them out. I hope that my hard analytical treatment of this doesn’t offend but it is a good way to get a perspective on things. I’m no stranger to the breakup process and I do know how painful it is. So I sympathize with how you’re feeling. Here’s the list:
* He was the first and only boyfriend you’ve had.
* You are his third girlfriend and the only one he’s had a long term relationship with.
* You both were 17 when you met.
You probably know where this is leading…that both of you are relatively inexperienced in the area of meeting and dating other people. Also a lot of change happens between the ages of 17 and 25. People often outgrow their first relationships as teenagers.
Your situation is common enough and it’s completely understandable. Sometimes the first person you meet is the one for you and there are stable marriages based on people marrying their “high school sweet heart”. However, the statistics are against this from happening. I can’t tell you if you will be one of the exceptions.
I can say that people are the same in a rough sense but that there’s an enormous variation in the details of their individual personalities. Because of your limited experience, you can’t know which of these different types make a good match for you.
As I said before, a lot happens between the ages of 17 and 25. The transition from dependent teenager to independent adult is huge. Neither you or your boyfriend are the same people that you were 7.5 years ago. It’s no surprise that your relationship is feeling the strain of this. Your boyfriends statement of “being held back” seems to be consistent with this.
I don’t know how much your boyfriends depression and thoughts of suicide factor into this or the suicide of his friend. If depression and suicidal thoughts are truly an issue, then getting the help of a professional is vital.
Also remember that a breakup between two single people is a simpler affair than getting a divorce after you’ve married.
You ask if I think there’s a chance for getting back together and I’d say there probably is but you should be asking if marriage is the right thing for the two of you. He’s already been pondering this and he has his doubts.
Hi Thank you for the feedback. I hope everything is good where you are. You are right, but it’s just difficult for me right now. I just feel like we could have matured together you know. But I know he’s a free spirited person who likes to socialize a lot and I guess by me being the opposite holds him back even though I really try not to. Even though I am far from him I probably still in some way unconsciously limit him from the things he wants to do. I am in the process of letting him go. I haven’t talk to him for awhile now. About the whole marriage thing…I asked my self that and I agree that even a few months ago I would have said we are not ready because I’m still in school and financially unstable. However, I always thought that marriage is the right thing for the two of us but just not right now. Oh well, that relationship is over…I guess marriage for the two of us now or a few years from now is totally out of the question. =) Thank you again!