Long Distance Relationships 101

Long distance relationships (LDR) are a fact of life for a lot of people. The demands of a career, military service, going to college, a bad job market, and online dating services that bring together people living thousands of miles apart are some of the reasons for LDR’s.

Many couples don’t like them but these relationships can work and many have grown stronger as a result.

Contrary to popular opinion, long distance relationships are no more likely to fail than relationships between people living close together. If your relationship is on rocky grounds to start with, the distance between you isn’t going to matter. In fact, living near someone you weren’t meant to be with just increases the opportunities for more conflict. When you put an argumentative couple in the same room, you get more arguments.

Another common concern has to do with infidelity. The risk of cheating has little to do with distance and time apart. It has everything to do with the quality of the people and the relationship. Opportunity doesn’t guarantee that cheating will happen anymore than the opportunity to shop lift causes everyone to steal. If your partner is inclined to cheat, it will happen regardless of the distance.

LDR’s require trust, compatibility with your partner, and know-how to make them succeed.

Reasons Why Long Distance Relationships Fail

1.) Pessimism

Expecting that something is going to be difficult will guaranty it will be an ordeal. For example, many people expect to feel cold and miserable during the winter and because of this attitude, they do. Yet there are people who love winter because they are sentimental about falling snowflakes and Christmas or perhaps they love to ski. Most people would find a LDR to be a challenge but there are some who thrive in them.

There is a silver lining here and you can take advantage of it. This is an opportunity to do the things you didn’t have time for before. You now have extra space and more independence. Use it to learn a new skill such as playing a musical instrument. You can take night courses to advance your education, take up a new sport, or get in touch with old friends. Now is the time to explore those interests and dreams. Just don’t allow these new pursuits to interfere with your LDR.

If you and your partner are emotionally stable and have goals in your lives, you can get through a LDR and come out ahead.

2.) Insecurity And Lack Of Trust

Trust is the bedrock foundation of all relationships, without it, they cannot exist . This is doubly true in LDR’s. You aren’t with your partner on a frequent basis and you have to believe that what they are telling you about their lives is true. Insecure people can’t handle this. They are unable to trust that their partner won’t go astray. This perhaps, is rooted in a primal fear that if the male isn’t around to guard his females against other male challengers, he will lose them.

• Watch your thoughts carefully. Don’t project your own tendencies and weaknesses onto your partner. Situations that might tempt you or lead you astray, won’t necessarily have the same effect on your partner. She isn’t you.
• Don’t give your partner’s imagination any reason to start doubting. Stick to your scheduled communication routines. If you tell her that you will call at a certain time, don’t let it slip. Try to be as clear, forthright, and transparent with her as possible. Avoid appearing evasive.
• Don’t impulsively communicate anger, suspicions, or accusations. Hurt feelings are greatly magnified by distance. Don’t communicate when you are feeling angry. If you find yourself writing an angry email, stop. Wait a few hours and let your emotions cool down. Chances are you won’t send it and you will have time to cope with the problem more constructively.
• It’s hard enough controlling your own doubts, so don’t let the negative opinions of other people weaken your resolve. They are just bystanders with no understanding of the connection that you have with your partner.
• Finally, dating other people should not be allowed. This will only serve to heighten fears and insecurities. Studies have shown that dating others will increase the chances of a breakup by 67%.

3.) Your Partner Changes

Your partner’s new environment will have an effect on her. It will cause her to change and evolve and sometimes this can be bad news for the relationship. This often happens to high school couples going to separate colleges. After the first semester or two, they realize their relationship with their high school sweetheart isn’t important anymore. They may even feel that it is getting in the way of their newfound life at the university. This is less likely to happen to older couples who are more stable and less impressionable.

There is nothing you can do to prevent this, so don’t even try. Worrying will give you ulcers and trying to prevent it means trying to control her at a distance. Doing this will kill the relationship.

Long Distance Relationship Challenges

1.) Loneliness

Seeing movies and eating out at restaurants are enjoyable activities…for couples. Doing things solo feels great…for a while. At some point during your LDR, you will begin to feel the effects of loneliness. Even if you can get past the week unphased, Friday nights, weekends, and holidays will nail you. And there is something else that will be lacking: being touched. Touching and being touched is something all mammals crave. It reduces anxiety and lowers blood pressure.

To deal with loneliness, women have the option of talking about their feelings with a good friend. They are more open to supporting each other emotionally. They also have no qualms about hugging each other thus providing a limited amount of touching.

Men are going to have a harder time of it since they don’t normally discuss their feelings with, or hug other men. But they can get involved in sports which are good for venting pent up tensions. They can also get a professional massage. There is also the option of seeing a psychologist.

Depending on where you live, there may be groups who are going though LDR’s that get together to discuss their problems.

2.) Relationship Cool Down

• It is important that you both feel you are a part of each other’s lives. To do that, you must have regular and frequent interaction. This means making use of email, texting, telephone, and especially video communication using web cams or Skype video chat.
• You also should try to simulate normal face to face interaction as closely as possible, so you should do more than just simple conversations. Try sending unannounced gifts, flowers, or cards. If there is something you wish to celebrate then a gift of flowers and champagne would be appropriate. Look up “romantic ideas” on the Internet and use the suggestions that can be done over a distance.
• Normal interaction also means doing things together. Play interactive online games or watch the same movie or the news together while keeping the Skype video chat open. Think of all the ways you would normally interact and try to simulate them.
• Be informal and do small stuff together using lots of texting. Don’t forget to appreciate the efforts of your partner when they make special gestures such as sending gifts or love letters. Otherwise they can feel let down which can cause resentment. Expressing appreciation is especially important in LDR’s where misunderstanding can happen so easily.
• Finally it should come as no surprise that sex strengthens your emotional bond. If sex is a part of your relationship, don’t neglect it during visits.

Long Distance Relationship Structuring

Everything that is important to you should be planned. A long distance relationship isn’t something you should attempt to “wing” or improvise. While spontaneity such as the unexpected gift or love letter adds spice, the relationship should have a set of ground rules at the start.

These rules should summarize you and your partners expectations. Both partners must participate in drawing out these rules. If only one partner sets the rules, it becomes a form of control that will set the stage for resentment and conflict.

The ground rules should include the following:

1.) Whether or not dating others is allowed.

In most cases, dating other people is a bad idea.

2.) How often you should communicate.

It should be daily if not more frequent. Remember, lots of small informal communication does a better job of simulating the “back and forth” of normal relationships.

3.) When and how frequently you visit.

If money isn’t a problem, you should not skimp on this.

4.) When The Distance Will Be Closed

You both should reach an understanding of when you will close the distance and resume a normal relationship. The exception to this would be those rare couples who enjoy the space that LDR’s provide.

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