How To Get A Girl Back After She Breaks Up With You – First Steps
If handled in the right way, most breakups don’t have to be final. The fact is, couples are getting back together all the time.
The bad news is that many breakups remain permanent. Often because they were handled badly by one or both of the partners.
Because the heart often takes the driver’s seat in a break up, people will go with their gut instincts.
This makes them do things that worsen the situation. Here are five tips to get you started on the right track.
1.) Control Your Anger
When anger takes hold, it is very hard to contain especially when your partner is telling you it’s all your fault. Venting your anger or trying to prove that your partner is wrong will make the break up a very messy affair.
Anger will make you say things that aren’t true and will push the wrong buttons. Old fights will resurface and all the usual arguments will get rehashed. From that point on, defense mechanisms kick into place on both sides.
You don’t want to reinforce her decision to leave you by bringing on more bad feelings. Don’t give her more reasons for leaving you. Doing so will make it much harder to get your girl back.
2.) Don’t Give In To Fear
Fear and panic impairs judgment just as much as alcohol does. Fear preys on your insecurities and makes you do a lot things that aren’t very smart. I don’t mean this as an insult because it happens to everyone in very stressful situations.
Desperation can cause some people stalk their ex, send endless text messages, or make phone calls at any time of the day or night. While making contact with your ex at some point is vital to getting her back, it has to be made at the proper time and carefully planned. This isn’t going to happen if you’re making these calls while in a state of panic.
- Within the past decade, about a third of the American population have had a break up. – eNation survey results
- Getting over a break up can take a long time and often occurs in stages, these being an emotional recovery period, a period of introspection where one comes to an understanding of the break up, and finally a stage where the break up is dismissed and one moves on.
- Women often give signs that they are considering a break up with their partner: she constantly criticizes him on anything, even the most trivial of things, she makes references to meeting or seeing someone else, she becomes distant, she threatens or mentions that she does not want to be with him anymore, and she is disinterested in sex.
3.) Don’t Devalue Yourself
Devaluation is a lessening of worth. Many of us tend to lose respect for people that try too hard to make us like them. Begging her to come back, pleading that you’ll do anything she says, or getting down on your knees and professing your undying love will turn her off.
She knows you are just saying this to get her to change her mind. It also makes you appear weak. These are not the actions of an attractive, strong, and confident male.
Even though you feel like your life has turned upside down you shouldn’t come across as a devastated or defeated man in front of your ex. Statements like “my life is over without you in it” or “I can’t live without you” and such are falsehoods.
They also tell your ex that she holds all the power. You are telling her in so many words that you and your life have so little merit that you can’t live a worthwhile life without her in it. You are telling her that she is everything and you are nothing. If so, then why would she want you back if she’s getting nothing out of the deal?
Act like you are in control of yourself. Men don’t get hyper emotional when they face adversity. This doesn’t mean that you should insist on having everything your own way. Compromise and being reasonable is necessary but it must be done in the right way.
4.) Don’t Shower Her With Gifts, Flowers, or Love Notes
This should not be your first response to the break up. This won’t resolve any of the core reasons for the break up. She will see this as a simple and transparent attempt at winning her favor and will make you seem desperate.
A romantic gesture is only effective when it is made at the right time under the right circumstances. One such circumstance would be when her reason for breaking up with you was because you weren’t romantic enough and didn’t show enough affection.
Then perhaps a big dramatic gesture like what you see in the movies might do the job. Otherwise it will backfire in a big way.
5.) Logic And Debate Will Not Work
Relationships are about feelings and emotions, so you won’t get her back with logic or with debate.
Even if she sees the logic of your arguments, it will do nothing to change her feelings about you. Why? Because feelings and emotions reside in different parts of the brain. Your logical arguments may have scored a direct hit but you are aiming at the wrong target.
There is nothing more annoying than someone picking apart your arguments and trying to checkmate you into agreeing with them. This tactic will only lead an angry fight.
6.) The No Contact Rule
In the first week or so (or longer depending on circumstances), you should avoid contacting her. This allows time for the bad emotions to cool down some. Both of you need this time to reflect on what has just happened. But you can’t let this go on for too long. Contact of some kind should be established.
This means calling her and sending her a card on her birthday and remembering anniversaries. If you notice a picture or article that would interest her, then send it. You might also call on occasion just to chat a little.
Don’t try holding out, thinking that she will initiate contact. Some say the heart grows fonder with absence. The problem with these kinds of sayings is that you can always find another one that says the exact opposite.
Remember, she’s the one that broke up with you. She will have little motivation to do something that is difficult and awkward. You’re the one who wants to revive the relationship so you should do the initiating.
7.) Don’t Behave As Though You Are Still On Intimate Terms
By this I mean that you can’t assume the same familiarity with her as you did before. You aren’t a couple anymore (at least for now). It’s not wise to let your guard down as though you were still sleeping together.
You should also pay attention to the things she says and think about what they mean. Be careful of what you say in turn. A mistake on your part may not be forgiven and will torpedo your efforts
As was mentioned previously, getting back together is possible in many cases. However, this doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. By following the above tips you avoid making it even harder. A complete step by step guide for the entire process called the Magic of Making Up is reviewed here.
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Comments on How To Get A Girl Back After She Breaks Up With You – First Steps
hey Mark, hope you can help me with this situation. This girl is upset and not talking because I didn’t get physical with her when she wanted to. It goes like this. I met her 3 months back at my work place (though we work in separate buildings and don’t get to see each other.) we started commuting together and also spent lot of time together after work. And so we became very close friends. At the begining I was very flirty and and suggesting to get intimate but she said we were just friends. So for a while we were just friends with some flirting from my side. Then she begin to she interests like she wanted to do lot of things together, even invited me for sleep-over at her place. Last ten days we were like together uptil late night. On couple of those occasions I felt like she’d be okey to get intimate, but I didn’t make a move. Then I was gone out for 4 days. And when I came back she picked up big argument over some small thing and things got messed up. At that same time she moved, so we were no longer commuting together and couldn’t see each other on a daily basis. So for 3 weeks we didn’t meet, just chatting on the net, which was mostly sarcastic. Finally 3 weeks later she agreed to meet. we spent some 3 hours together, but she was sarcastic all the time so I didn’t talk much and came back. Later when I reflected back I realized she wanted to get physical, though I couldn’t do that because the bad mood she was showing. Next day when I texted her she was pissed off and then again the day after the same thing. So I didn’t contact her for good 10 days, and then I just went to her house to meet her in person. She said she was going to meet one aunt of her and didn’t give me even 5 minutes of her time. I offered to give her ride to her aunt’s place but refused that too. So now it has been like a week without any contact. How should I go about initiating the communication and get her to talk? Also should I get physical as soon as I get a chance to meet her?
she claims that she loves me but she told me she moved on and is talking to somebody which blows me away because we only been broken up for less then a month. it took her and i atleast two months to start going out so i cant picture losing her to another guy i want to try to get her back before she gets into another relationship
hello marc me and my wonderful gf broke up on our 7th month anniversary and i did go out there last friday to try to rekindle as to say the relationship and she has tears in her eyes and she did not want to talk to me at all. but i got her to listen to me for 5 minutes and i expressed my love to her and this friday will mean we have broken up for two weeks she changed her number and blocked me on facebook. i have no way of contacting her and i was thinking the right approach would to send her another friend request on may 6th because that would be a full month that we’ve been broken up is this the correct thing to do? also my birthday is coming up should i expect for her to remember it? she told me there was nothing i can do at this point for her to want to go back out with me but i might end up going crazy without her in my life
@Everett: The mistakes mean you got off on the wrong foot but doesn’t eliminate your chances. Decide what the issues were that led to the breakup and check out the articles and comments that discuss them.
What if I did some of those things I shouldn’t of done do I still have a chance if so please help me
She even said I wad a great guy anf the best bf shes ever had
Me and this wonderful women dated for a little over a year we had broken up a few times over stupid stuff but no longer then a couple hours. She broke up with me about a week ago saying she couldnt see where this relationship was going. I realized I myself was just scared of bein hurt. But I did what u said not to do and sent her non stop texts. One day she said she wasnt talking to anyone the next day she said she was the day after that she told me to let go and move on cause she was going to see someone else. However she did state to me that she still loves me she just cant be with me right now to much anger and she couldnt just forgive me cause I want het too. I have only texted her once in the last two days with no response tried to talk to her friend and she told me that my ex didnt want her friend talkin to me about her. What do I do man im going nuts. I even sent her flowers.
@jeremy: Could you tell me some more about your relationship? At this point I can only tell you to avoid pressuring her back into the relationship. Try to make it easy for her to see that you are the right man for her. You do this by how you behave rather than making lots of promises.
I’ve been with this girl for 10 months and it was really serious then a week ago she dumped me and said it was a break so we can figure ourselves out and that I made her try to hard and sh felt lost in the relationship and she needs time. Do I just let her go and try in a couple months? I said I would stop doing whatever she isn’t liking and she still wants to be aparrt. I don’t get it because we solved our issues but she still wants time and says she loves me so much
@chris: First thing is not to add to her stress by reacting negatively, defensively as in “you are you leaving me out of the loop”, or putting pressure on her to resume the relationship. Don’t make judgments. When she calls and starts talking about her problems, don’t try to solve it (unless she asks for your advice), instead, provide emotional support by listening and giving encouragement. If you’ve got stress of your own, it’s best not to share it with her because it will simply burden her further. If she continues to remain distant for too long, you will have to talk to her to find out why.
my girlfriend of two years has been very stressed lately because of family issues, and today told me she want’s to go on a break, not because of me but because she needs time to focus on herself and get rid of all the stress. she said i’m “the perfect boyfriend” but she needed to sort things out. I honestly can’t blame her and harbor no anger toward her, I just want to help her get through this tough point in her life, and hopefully get our relationship back on track as well. But how do I do that and still give her space? i don’t want to lose her, but how do I fight to keep her and still give her enough of a break to focus on herself? Please someone give me some advice because she is my world and I can’t bear to lose her
@stan: Your relationship formed during a difficult time in her life. She may have entered into the relationship because of a need for emotional support in a time of crisis.
Relationships normally form because of mutual attraction between the sexes. If she entered a relationship with you because of the emotional support you offered rather than attraction to you, then this could be the “missing thing”. This attraction to her ideal mate is based on feelings and instinct. Many women are unable to articulate this.
Rescuing a troubled woman in a time of need is not a good basis for a relationship if you want it to last for the long term. You want a woman who is genuinely attracted to the person that you are. Troubled people enter relationships for the wrong reasons. If you genuinely want to help such a person, you should only do this as a friend.
You mention that you are a genuinely nice guy, who is more then responsive to what others want or need. I won’t jump to conclusions but you may have what is known as the nice guy syndrome. There is plenty of information about this on the Internet so I won’t get into the details. I will just say that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. If this is your only thing, then it isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. A relationship should have other elements such as excitement, sexual tension, adventure, romance. Woman are drawn to a multitude of masculine attributes. You can’t hold this against them any more than they can take issue with your attraction to the feminine attributes of a woman.
You also mentioned that the relationship might not have been much of one at all. If so, then what is it that you are trying to recover?
Ok, so this might be easier as I write this and even easier for everyone else to see other then me. I started to see this girl about 4 months ago and we started dating 2 months ago. She just got out of a previous relationship that she was cheated on and she just lost a very close relative. So when we started talking she was already telling me that she was going through a hard time (and I told her it was ok, I just wanted to help make her smile!) Prior to us getting together officially she told me that she felt like something was missing with our relationship. Prior to this I received a new job that would require 10 hours of my day and she would begin to work nights at a new local pub. So despite the fact that time would be playing a major factor we decided to give it a go. I am a genuinely nice guy, who is more then responsive to what others want/need. We decided to give it a shot and see what could happen… So things progressed and it seemed like things were going well, everyone around us saw our attraction for each other and was super impressed by how well we got along. Well that was short lived; recently she started to have those feelings again of something missing. No matter how much I asked her what it was she did not know, so finally she broke it off with me about a week ago. Now we previously talked and I told her that if we stop dating that I would need to cut everything completely. She has called or text messaged me everyday since then just to make sure I was doing all right. Now to me this spells out that she wants to remain friends and just doesn’t want the relationship portion. I have heard that she has done this in the past and the “relationship” lasted over a year. I don’t want that I am either with you or not…
I know I am missing something and as I write this I am seeing the relationship might not have been much of one at all, but I guess my question involves how I should handle this. See, it takes a long time for me to obtain feelings and for some reason I feel hard fast for this one. I cut everything off completely just recently and am kind of hoping deep inside that this will make her realize that missing me is what was missing?!
@Michael H: Everyone has their limits to what they can tolerate from another person and this tolerance varies from person to person. It’s important that you be in touch with your own limits. If you don’t have some sort of line that no one may cross then you are likely suppressing anger which will find a way to leak out in ways that can be damaging.
With regard to your relationship, you have two choices:
1.) You can get out of this relationship and move on. If you do this you should learn from this experience so that this doesn’t get repeated with another person.
2.) You can attempt to repair your relationship. I think this will be the more difficult of the two because with the first option, you only need to correct your own mistakes. Repairing your relationship requires that your ex be willing to correct or compensate for her own issues as well. You can’t make her do this because she has to admit to herself that she has issues and be willing to change of her own accord.
Repairing your relationship will also require that you understand and correct your own mistakes that contributed to your situation.
Your ex had a rough childhood and you mentioned that you wanted to be there to support and care for her. Unfortunately, this will not solve her issues. She is an adult and it is up to her to decide whether she will allow her issues to impact the rest of her life. Support and care from a loving man with infinite compassion and patience is not the solution to her problems. This can only be done through the help of a professional counselor, therapist, etc. Sometimes people outgrow their personal issues on their own but this takes years of life experience and doesn’t happen with everyone.
If you don’t mind my saying this, I believe that a good part of the responsibility for your relationship problem comes from mistakes and perhaps misconceptions on your part. I will list them out:
1.) When you start dating someone, you should be on the lookout for serious personal problems and issues on her part. If you find any, you should take these as a red flag to stop pursuing a relationship with her and to move on. Basing a relationship on saving or comforting a person with serious issues is a mistake. Your strong feelings of altruism may cause you to disagree with me but you can’t deny the facts of your situation. You can also conduct your own research on this topic. You will find similar statements elsewhere.
2.) Within all relationships, there is an ongoing power dynamic. By this I mean the give and take interactions that occur between the two people. An overly lopsided power balance that favors either the man or the woman is never healthy. In your case there seems to be an extreme power imbalance favoring your ex. Women generally have no respect for a man who relinquishes too much of his power to her.
3.) Women are just people, nothing more, nothing less. What I mean by this is that they have to earn your love and devotion just as you have to earn theirs. Their being female does not exempt them from this. If you give your love unconditionally too soon in a relationship it devalues your love in the eyes of your partner. Love between a man and a woman, especially before they are married, is conditional.
4.) As I mentioned at the beginning of my comment, everyone whether they know it or not have their own personal boundaries and limits to what they will tolerate from another human being. Your ex has crossed your limits several times. If a person’s action bothers you and seems unreasonable, then you must stand your ground and tell them that what they have done is unacceptable. If she can’t live with this, then the relationship is over. This represents your absolute minimum baseline. It is a pass/fail thing. Nothing is worth being degraded and humiliated over, not even love.
Sorry i going to repost this, so it isn’t just a reply to someone, i really need help and the more people that read it, the better it will help me
I am needing help with my situation. I have been in love with this girl since the first day i met her. She was the most amazing person i have never met and i did everything i needed to impress her for the last couple years. But even with all the love i have for her, i had my problems 3 years seeking attention from other girls, not that i never slept with any of these girls it was just i needed more attention, because i felt so bad about myself and needed to be cheered up. that is one of the problems that i have been putting her through the last couple years, and when she found out that i was doing it, i would just lie about it. Lying was just an easier way not to hurt her, i know that i did wrong and it wasn’t how i wanted to treat, but still made the situtation worse. She would just keep giving me chances and i would just keep messing it up. I have loved her with all my heart, but this plagued her for a while until i decided to get help and see a therapist to help me with my problems. I wanted to be so prefect for her. give her the world. She means so much too me. Well this didn’t last, She went to New york a weekend before her bday, and she left me her car to use for work. Well i took her car to the bar, and on my way home i got into a car accident. She then decided that she wanted to end it, saying that i disrespect her and i didnt car about her feelings. Now this is where it gets even worse. I didn’t handle this the best, I kept trying to call her or text her over the weekend to talk about it, getting her mad with me, and not handling the situation the best with her. Well when she came back home, i tried talking to her, but she said that she didn’t want to hear it. That we are done, and that i am just trying to get another chance from her. Well i didn’t handle this the best, i couldn’t eat or sleep, for like 4 days. Well when i did try to eat something, i feel asleep making boiling noodles and the flame on the burner went out, and i was there for like 3 hours with the gas running. Well she took me to the er, and left me there, saying that i was trying to kill myself and that is was just for attention. Well after that, her dad drove up to our apartment and said that i was a danger to myself and that i would hurt his daughter. Well jump to the weekend, I came home from work and she was going out, She was getting all dolled up and i noticed that there were condoms missing from upstairs. I made the wrong judgement thinking that she was going out to hook up with guys. I then went upstairs and cried for 30 minutes. While this is all going i have had been talking to a good friend, i knew he had been talking to her too, so i confronted him about talking to her and he said that he hasn’t been talking to her. THis was a good friend and i was respected what he had to say until i found out he was lying to me. He has been going to divorce and i so i decided to talk to his wife, and found out that he has been lying to me and has lied to me about everything. So he then texts my ex and says that i told his wife that my ex and him have been fucking. He is a monster and lies to everyone, just getting his needs.Now he is lying to her and turning her against me, I don’t know how to get her to realize that he is lying to her. He is using her weakness right now to gain her trust and get a shot with her. I am moving out of the apartment, getting my own place. I was wondering if anyone thinks i still have a chance of a future with her. She just doesn’t want to keep being hurt and have to keep hearing excuses to why i am the way i am . Please some body help me.
OK so here goes. I need some help. I have been dating this woman for 10 months and we broke up about 1 month ago. This is a woman that I dated from my office. We had been friends for quite some time and there was always an attraction between us. Well we finally got together and things were good and only getting better. I know that this girl had a rough childhood but I wanted to be there to support her and care for her. She was demanding of me though. She once asked me to sit down to go to the bathroom and when I said that I would not make a mess she greeted me at the door with a bottle of 409 cleaner and some paper towels. She went in and cleaned up around the toilet even though I did not make a “mess”. She once borrowed her ex boyfriends car even though I clearly stated that I would pick her up from the car dealership and I would do whatever she needed. I wanted her to know that I cared about her. She made a chicken dinner for a guy one day and helped to decorate his christmas tree while I was at home and we had said that we were going to get together that day. She had also mentioned to me that if I could not satisfy her needs that there are plenty of men that can and will do taht for her. She had said that “All men just want to F*** me” and so I began to build up some major resentment towards her. I felt like she was trying to manipulate me. I felt like she could simply never ask for what she wanted. She would never just be clear with me and ask me for what she needed. I wanted to be everything for this girl. So about two weeks ago we talked and I told her that I wanted her back and I got pretty upset about it. It seemed like she knew that she had the upper hand in this situation and she told me taht I blew it and that she was already gone. She told me taht she called the “time of death” on the relationship and that I needed to move on. About two weeks had passed and I began seeing a counselor and I told her that I would like to talk about it. She agreed so we met and went for a walk in the woods. The talk was going well and she seemed to be pretty emotional. She cried a little and i told her that I felt lucky to have her. I also got upset when we began to talk about why it did not work. We both agreed that it was bad timing and that it was not good for her right now. I asked her if she would consider it in the future and that I am trying to make some changes and be a better person. I sort of think she wants to get together but she is upset at this point. She is angry about what has happened. Should I be the one who is angry?
I need some advice.
What can I do? Is there anything that I can do or does anyone have some recommendations. I really do love this girl.
@Lane: Pride, fear of being hurt again, not being sure of your true feelings, or a desire to inflict some pain on you are some of the possible reasons for her behavior. You told her you needed time to figure things out, now she is telling you the same thing.
Her statement that you both may be back together in the future is a good sign. She needs some time to work through her feelings about this. In the mean time, you can take her up on being friends as this will keep you in touch. Just be careful about not pressuring her either directly or indirectly. Don’t make the classic clingy mistakes such as excessive phone calls etc. However, this is NOT a situation where you would break off contact, just make contact as a friend would. When you are together as friends, focus on making her laugh and having a good time. If you succeed at this, things should work out.
I broke up with my gf about a month ago and it was the worst desicion of my life. We were together for 4 months and shared many great memories she was my best freind and lover all at the same time it was great she was 100 percent in love with me and I broke up with her and told her I just needed to figure things out but about to weeks ago I contacted her and told her the break up was a huge mistake and that I missed her so much but she tol me that we should both go our separate ways for now and that we could still be Freinds and maybe we will end up back together in the future. What should I do?
@adam: You should try to improve your communication skills and empathy. With regard to communication, practice talking to people you normally wouldn’t on a daily basis. This might be people at a store, on a bus, the waiter at a restaurant, etc. Simply say a few words that are appropriate to the situation. A great opportunity for this is when you are getting a haircut. Rather than sitting quietly, strike up a conversation. Focus on things that you can relate to on some level. If you say something silly or awkward, don’t worry about it, it won’t kill you.
With regard to empathy, you can start by saying the right things even if it feels artificial or phoney to you. When a person is experiencing emotional pain or has suffered a loss, just say I’m sorry or I’m so sorry to hear about that. If they want to talk about it then listen. When you are with your girlfriend when she is having problems, you should understand that you don’t have to find a quick answer or a solution. Just say the right words, hold her, and tap into your own feelings about when you’ve been in similar pain.
The same applies to when someone is experiencing great joy because something good has happened to them. You simply say I’m glad to hear that and encourage them to share the good news with you. If you do this enough it comes automatically.
You need to make an effort to devote more of your thinking and feelings to concerns outside of your own. By this I mean the concerns of those who are close to you such as your girlfriend. Just spend some more of your thinking time immersed in your girlfriends concerns. Put yourself in her shoes. What is key here is to try to relate her experiences and emotions to similar experiences and emotions that you have felt. You must have felt pain as well as joy in your life. Try to relate what you girlfriend is feeling this to. When I say relate, I DON’T mean for you to talk about your experiences to her. I DO mean that you should use these experiences as a way to feel her emotions within yourself.
It is said that emotion is contagious. When you hear strangers around you expressing joy about something, allow it to spread to you. Allow yourself to feel the same way as they do.
Another suggestion is to help the people around you in small ways whenever the opportunity presents itself. When someone drops something, pick it up for them. Hold the door open for someone who is carrying too many things, etc.
i jst hve a break up with my gf.. it was a 3 years long distant relationship.. we both love each other more than anything.. even after she broke up with me she tells me that she loves me still.. bt our relationship is nw nt like gf and bf.. but as bst friend.. actually we studied together from childhood bt after getting into college ofcourse in different state we got commited (long distance).. in relation we had lots of ups and down bt we resolved it… many a times she used to tell that things are nt working bt everytime i misinterperated it is bcoz of long distance relation and i thought she agreed.. bt last month she started talking strangly when i asked her why then she replied she is changed nw.. and she wants partial break up.. i think when she shares her problems with me i gave him some suggestion like i would have given to another guy .. i think i was nt able to empathise with her.. plz suggest me how to empathise… also she wants me again in her lyf.. she also calls me sometimes and started talking in the way she used to bt after talking to me she again changes as if talking with me make her angry.. i m not good in communication…she want me back bt something is stopping her.. please give me some suggestions…
man my ex just broke up with me recently and im really sad i hope tese steps work.
@Marc: well yeah i know, but i just cant i know that this will maybe seem stupid to you, but i really love her and i cant let her go, not now. and i dont know what should i do to win her back, as soon as possible.
@Alex: Given your youth, I think it wouldn’t hurt to see other girls. Doing so would give you something called “social validation” in the eyes of your ex (it would make you seem more attractive to her). If this backfires, it shouldn’t matter because you are seeing these other girls which makes it easier to move on. Also, dating more girls is good for someone of your age.
oh btw: she also said that we can be friends, but i want more than friendship.
Can someone pls help me, me and my ex we were talking for a month and we were in a relationship for maybe 1 week, more or less, it was all great and perfect, and then 3-4 days ago she said that shes sorry and that we cant together anymore, she didnt explain me why. so i was talking with here friend and she told me that she was scared that she would cheat on me with someone(and i know that that someone isnt interested in her) and hurt mine feelings and that would automaticly make her feel bad. is there any way to get her back, because i know that she wouldnt cheat on me. i mean we are young(17-18), but that doesnt matter. thanks for any help.
My GF and I broke up last week after two years of friendship and two years of dating. I recently graduated from college and decided after not drinking alcohol for almost two years I was going to celebrate. I have had addiction issues in the past and was in denial and thought I could have a few beers to celebrate my graduation. My way of justifying was keeping it at a two beer max. Over about a month of I drank maybe a handful of times. Never getting drunk or hiding it from her. This didnt sit well with my gf, she got really upset and cried a few times. She said I wasnt spiritual enough and didnt lift her up spiritually. I had been struggling with my relationship with Christ and she was wanting a more solidified one. Last week she said she wanted to take a step back and let me figure out what I really want in life. She said she wanted me to get better for myself and not for her. I took this as rejection and went into panic mode. The thing that gets me the most is I was about to ask her to marry me. I had a ring picked out and everything. I understand she wants me to do things for myself. I understand that she doesnt want to enable me. But I dont understand how she can just give up on me like that. She said she wants to stay friends and stay in contact but I might have screwed that up. I sent her an email apologizing for going into panic mode and understand why she did what she did. I told her I respect her decision even though Im sure it was a hard one. It really showed me the kind of person she is. I know she loves me and knows that kind of man i can be. I literally feel sick, I havnt just lost my gf but Ive lost my best friend. All because of my selfishness.
Ok I need help my girl broke up wit me cuz she thinks I’m dating another girl and doesn’t believe me when I say I’m not and I miss her soo much but I need help to get her back I’m a young dater
@T: It sounds like she has made a painful choice between having a relationship with you and something else. This “something else” could be any number of issues or it could be another guy. The next time she contacts you, you should find out the “why” behind her confusion. The emotional nature of her breakup indicates that she may be feeling a lot of guilt or a lot of pain over the choice she has made.
so my girlfriend broke up with me a couple days ago and the only answer I have to go on was that the was confused and didn’t know what she wanted, but stated that I was the best boyfriend she has ever had. this makes me confused, because why give something up if its the best or if it’s good? she was crying her eyes out and was very affectionate as this was going on. I don’t know what to think but i’m very hurt and dont know what to do. Any thoughts?
my ex, broke up with me because i couldnt see her all the time, it not my fault we live bout 10 miles away and nethier have means of transport, we both work all week and i tryed to see her every chance i got but it just didnt seem to be enougth, and the day after she went out with anouther guy then not long after left him and went out with some one who ment to be my best mate
ive not seen her since just into start of november cause we never had chance, i still love her but i just dont seem to be able to win her heart back, since she left me ive not been with anyother girl or been atracted to one i just need help on how to get her back any ideas?
@Mike – If you want to create some emotional distance, then you can change the tone of your texting rather than not texting at all. You can respond to her like you would an acquaintance or a friend. You would be polite but more distant than you were before. Just be careful to not do this in an insulting way. Whether or not her heart grows fonder depends on her and what your relationship was like.
Hey Marc,
My girlfriend broke it off with me the other day and she is trying to stay busy and forget me (change her profile picture, going out last night, etc) After work last night she messaged me and it was small talk, then today she messaged me on my phone asking if i have told my parents about our break up. I am wondering if i should text her back or is distance better, better to ignore her? THe results i want is for distance to make her heart grow fonder and hopefully realize she needs me in her life. but i dont want to make her angry by ignoring her.
@stephen: There are two things you might consider:
1 – If she is a chronic cheater then you should stay away.
2 – If she isn’t a habitual cheater but you strongly feel that you could never forgive her and will always feel resentful then you should stay away.
Something that wasn’t made clear in your comment was whether you had broken up as a couple during the month that you weren’t talking. If you had broken up, then the only thing “wrong” with her sleeping with someone else was that she did it so quickly. This is not the same thing as cheating.
I used to have a drug problem that cost me my two year relationship. I made a complete 180 got off all drugs and changed myself completely. We were each others firsts and during the month we weren’t talking she slept with someone else. I didn’t. Now she wants me back but I can’t get past the other Guy to the point I resent and love her equally. What should I do?
hey marc, is there a way i can email you? my situation is quite messed up and i don’t know that i should broadcast it. but i would really appreciate some help getting the girl of my dreams back. thanks.
@john zuelke: cut all communication. it will help alot
John, Im sorry to hear about your relationship issues. I understand your situation and have been there myself. You have to understand that women are drawn to strong, powerful, and independent men. This means not bending over backwards for her or what she wants. Be the alpha in the relationship and take control. If she tells you she wants to see other guys, tell her fine, you don’t want to waste anymore of your time on her and you can get any girl you want! She will be completely shocked by your response and will wonder if she made a mistake.
The stopping by her place needs to STOP. She sees you as weak, needy, and wrapped around her finger. Remember that she needs to meet YOUR expectations… not the other way around. I am not saying be an asshole, but do not be a pushover and DO NOT bendover to do what shes wants. She will see you as strong, confident, and independent. This will make your very attractive to her.
I was in your shoes and got walked on all day long. Once I adopted a different mindset, everything changed. I can’t get my exgirfriends to leave me alone (seriously). Wake up everyday and tell yourself “I am strong, confident, and independent. I don’t need these women, these women need ME!” Believe it and you will suprised how strongly women are attracted to you. Best of luck and remember you don’t NEED women, WOMEN NEED YOU!
@den:
Hi Den. Before telling her about your true feelings, you want to be sure that your previous relationship problems won’t affect your relationship with your girlfriend. As you have already learned, allowing the difficulties of past relationships to affect your attitude and behavior in future relationships only serve to create new problems. I also suspect that perhaps part of the problem lies in a lack of confidence on your part. Guys are expected to take the lead. If she (or any other female for that matter) occasionally rejects overtures on your part, it shouldn’t be taken personally and shouldn’t make you gun shy about taking the initiative in the future. We all take small risks every day when we drive our cars, in our decisions that we make at work, and in our relationships with those we love. It is impossible to live your life without some risk taking and occasionally getting hurt.
You will have to convince your current girlfriend that you are over any issues caused by your previous girlfriend and are not afraid to put yourself out there and get hurt in the process. You are tough, you can take it.
You might try expressing what I have just said to her in the form of an apology. You don’t want to place blame or fault with anyone. Simply acknowledge your responsibility for the pain that she has suffered and then tell her what you are going to do about it. Crafting an apology is something of an art so you shouldn’t try to “wing it”. You should think about what you plan to say ahead of time. You should not memorize any particular script because it will come across as mechanical. Just imagine in your head what you will tell her. Do this several times. Then when you make the apology to her, the words will flow naturally. If you want, I can send you a pdf file on how to craft the perfect apology. Just send an email to Marc@howtogetyourgirlback.org and I will send the file to you.
my girlfriend 2 wks ago said she wasnt happy with me , saying she feels unloved and makes all the moves in our relationship when it comes to initinating sex or holding hands (which is mosly true), i have to admit i did kinda take a back seat in our relationship letting her make all the moves (which i know know wasnt right), but mostly think this was due to my previoius relationship where i made all the moves and didnt get anything back from her. Anyway she said she needed time to think , so a wk later we talked and i admited i was wrong and said it was because of my prevoius relationship that it was the way i was acting with her and didnt want to get hurt again by being close to her, i thought we had clearded the air a bit and decided to take things a bit slow (instead of rushing in to a serious relationship which she wanted at the time) then the next day we were supposed to meet for a night out but phoned and said she changed her mind and wanted to finsh things and be single for a while , i knda lost my temper a bit as i thought we had talked all this out the night before, and sent some txts i regret sending, we didnt speak for 3 days untill i said when does she want her stuff back , anyway we have agreed to meet up and exchange our stuff back and she also agreed to having dinner with me , we do get on really well when we are together, and both admited the relationship was maybe rushed into a bit . it wasnt untill she finally finished it between us that i realised i had all these feelings for her and loved her which i never told her before , she is pretty certain she wants to be single and wants to be friends , which i dont want now, just wondering if i should tell her how i really feel about her and how do i get her back?
Hi zak. Respect her wish for a month off. Any attempts to dissuade her may complicate things later on. You want to avoid any bad feelings now because if she is like most people, she will replay these bad feelings and thoughts over and over again in her mind while you are apart. She said that she wants to start seeing you again afterwards so you should take her up on this.
i have been going out with my girlfriend for 8 months now and just suddenly she says she wants a break she broke up with me and we are still really good friends. she wants to have a break for a month but i love her so much and i think she is going to move on cause she talks about this other guy when im around. she also wants us to go back out when the month is over what should i do. i just want her back and want her to be my girlfriend agian
@Brian: Regaining lost trust isn’t easy. A lot has been written on this topic on the web, and you can start your research here:
http://howtogetyourgirlback.org/building-trust-a-relationship-is-on-quicksand-without-it
You should also read the information in the green box area as well.
Studies have shown that people are more likely to trust others they interact with personally than those they communicate with through email. This means that part of your difficulties is caused by lack of ‘face time’.
Regaining her trust will take time and there is no guaranty of success. I don’t know if you have watched any Jimmy Steward movies but the most striking thing about him is his ability to project a forthright, ‘what you see is what you get’ image. When anyone watches him, they see an open book. He inspires trust. I mention this because while you can do plenty of reading on regaining trust, watching this guy in action may rub off onto your subconscious mind. This guy is a master at projecting transparency and forthrightness.
You shouldn’t regard this as an act on your part. It has to be a genuine change that happens inside you as well. Don’t ever think that you can fool anyone for any length of time. Over time, your actions, your own words, the words of others, and circumstances will betray you. People will put two and two together and find you out. It is inevitable. So you can’t play the part of a trustworthy person, you have to be that person.
I don’t know the severity of the transgressions that caused the breakup. Maybe they merit a complete personal overhaul or maybe not. If they do, then you should think of this as a long term personal project that goes beyond getting your girlfriend back. This way, if things don’t work out with your ex, then perhaps your next relationship will benefit from these improvements.
I posted something on here before. Things have not got any better. I have said i am sorry so many times to my ex girl. I am deployed right now for another 3 months. We broke up on September 10. Like i said before on the 20th she said that she wanted to be with me and only me and that it was her fault that i did all those things. But since then everything has changed. It got to where we would barely talk a week. And then the whole month of October, we have only talked for about an hour and a half. I sent her a necklace when i thought we were gonna get back together. the other day i sent her an email saying that i just wanted to know if i ever had another chance. It was a pretty long email, but i dont think she read all of it. Whenever i call her, she says that she trys to stay busy and stuff. But it takes her a very long time to reply to my emails sometimes a week or something. But she replied to it on Monday saying that she got the necklace, she said thanks, but she could not accept it. She also said honestly that she thought about it and there is no way that she cannot think of me without thinking of all the things i did to her, she said that the trust will never be there and she wont forget. She also said that she is sorry that the bad things dont overcome the good ones. But all i want is to be her friend. Should i just accept that it is over or do you think that maybe when i get back and she sees me it will be different? I mean she told me before we broke up that i was her life and her one and only. How can somebody say that and then break up with you on a deployment? She is the only thing that i think about from the time i wake up to the time i go to sleep. I cant eat right over here cause my stomach has all these knots in it. All i want to do is talk to her while i am over here and try to work it out maybe when i get back. But i am scared that she will move on before i get back. Is it still wrong for me to call her once in a while to see how she is doing even if she just talks to me for a little while. I dont want to try to get her back right now cause i know that is not what she wants. But i didnt just lose a girlfriend….i lost a bestfriend. I talked to her about everything. I have never been in a relationship like that before. I just dont know what to do. Please let me know anything and thanks for the help.
I posted on here before about my girl breaking up with me. It has been almost 2 months since she broke up with me. In september, she said that she wanted us to try to be friends. I have tried to talk to her but it seems like she is always too busy. It takes her like a week or two for her to reply to my email. Also i sent her an email just telling her how i felt and if she could ever see us together again. She replied back saying that she has thought about it and could never think of me without thinking of all the things i have done to her. I have changed so much. I know she is the one i want to be with. She also said she is sorry that the bad things dont overcome the good ones. She told me i was her life and her one and only before we broke up, but it seems now since i am deployed and away from her that her mind has changed. I have changed and have told her. I want to just see if she will be my friend and want to try to see me when i get back. She said she will try to see me when i get back. But i am just worried that she will try to move on. It is a whole lot easier for her to keep her mind off things then it is for me since i am deployed and over here for 3 more months. With her saying what she said….could i pretty much think its over? I mean at one point even after we broke up she said she wants me and only me by her side, but for the whole month of October she only talked to me for about an hour and a half. I dont want things to be over with her cause i know i can make her happy. I dont want to be with anybody but her. Or do you just need to realize its over and try to move on and keep my mind off things?
@nick – Becoming her friend again will be a balancing act. Too little communication and you drift apart or she may think that you are are angry with her. On the other hand, friendships don’t have the intensity of a romantic relationship. They are more relaxed and lighter so communication isn’t as frequent. You will want your communications to be fun and enjoyable again so if a certain way of communicating bothers her, then it is counter productive. You started your relationship with her as a friend and at the time you knew what the boundaries of appropriate behavior were. If your interactions are tense, then you are going backwards.
Thank you for the suggestions Marc,
I’ve already wound up the travelling part and have found a place i’m going to settle down. I’m over the remorse part, as it doesn’t completely stop me from functioning, infact i carry on to my schedule for the most part. The time when i’m exhausted and relax is the time i get the rush of emotions and i get into all thinking. I think it’ll get better with time as well.
I’ve always been there for her (except for the times i was away and those moments when i should have been there and i’d have been there if i could have). I’ll work on the empathy part, i’m pretty good at that though (i think). She does not open up (i think its pretty obvious and at times i think its better to talk those things in person than any other way).
Getting along with the family part is fine too, i don’t have any major issues with her family (although she and even i think i could have been a lot better, i know where i went wrong and i want to be better, they’r very minor minor things). They’r great people and i love them, i don’t and i won’t need to force myself to like them in this case at least.
We speak occasionally but its like we talk when she comes online, not when i text her or mail her. just makes me feel very upset, we’ve been amazing friends and honestly i’d love to keep the relationship just to that for now and see how we both feel after some time and go from there. It’d be hard to let her go. but to clap you need two hands right? Should i just wait for her to respond? because she doesn’t try to reach out much, i just don’t want to look desperate but i don’t just want to keep waiting for her to initiate either. any suggestions on this? also, i’ll be going to see her in 2-3 weeks, should i just stop bothering her till then and see how things unfold? or should i just text her once in a while (usually every 2-3 days) and hope she responds? any indicators i should be looking for? I told her if i’m bothering too much she can let me know and i’ll make sure i don’t do that. she’s fine with me reaching out, its just there is no response 9 out of 10 times (lets say, or she replies if she feels like replying as she says).
Thank you. I hope I’m not bothering too much with all these. :$
@nick: I read your email. I have made every effort not to reveal the specifics of its contents in my reply here:
She is enduring a seemingly endless long distance relationship. You mention that you aren’t very good at communicating online or over the phone. That may be true but you can always improve on this. You have to make the effort because a long distance relationship isn’t really possible without this skill. Another thing to try to avoid is ending your communications on a bad note. If an argument occurs, it must be resolved quickly. Otherwise the bad feelings will linger in her mind and will fester. So you can’t afford to take several days to cool down.
Men tend to offer solutions and play down feelings. On the other hand, women need empathy and want to feel loved. So don’t worry about the misconceptions she may have because proving to her that she was wrong isn’t going to make her feel love. Love isn’t about who is right and who is wrong. You need to carefully listen to what she is saying and to empathize. You have to communicate that you understand and feel for her. That you care. Saying that life goes on and that she has to keep her chin up is not the right approach. That is what you would say to another guy who is having a hard time of it. Also, women want to feel cherished and treasured. You have find ways to make her feel this way despite the distance. I suggest you do some research on how to express empathy with a woman. Most men are not good at doing this.
You could try getting over your remorse and focus on being her friend again. You want to be a best friend who is very caring. Whenever she wants to discuss something with you that is troubling her, don’t try to offer solutions or tell her that it’s nothing and that she shouldn’t worry about it (that’s how guys relate to other guys). Instead, you should empathize with her and give moral support. If you can avoid all the old arguments and try to relate to her in the manner that I have suggested, then she will have positive feelings for you which can then turn into love. Another suggestion is to try to bring the traveling that you are doing to an end as soon as it’s feasible. As far as getting along with her family, you simply have to, because it’s just one of the rules of the game.
I emailed ya Marc. Thank you very much.
@nick: Hi Nick. You said there is more you can write about. I would like to get more detail if you don’t mind. Specifically:
-There were a couple times she tried to tell you that things are not working and you misunderstood it to be because of the long distance. What were these things she tried to tell you about?
-You mention that some of the difficulties were misinterpretations by her. What were these misinterpretations?
-She said your realizations and change are just temporary and won’t last forever. Since she is only concerned with your ability to stick with your changes rather than with the changes themselves, then she appears to be in agreement with them. May I ask what these realizations and changes were?
If you feel that these details are too personal, then perhaps you could email them to me?
Otherwise, sending them in the form of a comment is fine.
also, due to long distance we can not meet much often and she doest want me to move there temporarily or permanently. she’s okay with seeing me whenever i’m passing by her town at the moment, which isn’t going to happen too often.
Me and my gf have been in a relationship for four years, we knew each other for about a year before that and were best friends. of the four years we’ve been in the relationship three years was long distance. everything was going good with some differences and working them out like any other relationship would. we both were studying while we started dating and were exploring our careers. we talked everyday several times a day through phone, and chat mainly. we saw each other about once a month with couple times gap of about 3-4 months as i had been doing business overseas. it was not easy for both of us and i assumed the role of the mature one and told her this phase will pass. There were financial issues that prevented me from doing a lot of things that we always wanted to do, i’m also more of a perfectionist so i’d go to extra miles to do things i want to do perfectly and that delayed things even more. for example i started taking guitar classes to propose her in a very special way, besides knowing she’d love if i learned to play guitar. we’ve both been loyal to each other for all these years, there were couple times she tried to tell me that things are not working and i misunderstood that it was because of the long distance and explained her the situation and thought she understood. she just broke up with me couple months ago and now when i go back and assess things with a lot clear view of how everything has been perceived by her. i can’t blame myself enough for a many things, but a lot of them are just misinterpretations by her and when i tried to tell her that she does not want to believe me. she says she’s lost trust from love and people. there is still love in her eyes for me but she’s trying to kill it. she did not talk to me for a month and a half at all after she emailed me to let me know she’s ending it. after that she’s responding to me say once or twice a week. she says we can be friends once i’m out of this remorse phase, and may be if the love is true it’ll find its way back in future. her statements have been very contradictory because she also says she does not want to get back into this relation. i’ve been her best friend and i understand her more than anyone else and even i’m having hard time understanding this situation. I’ve mourn a lot, now i’m handling myself a lot better, doing things, moving on with life but being very emotional, i can not just stop thinking about her no matter what. i don’t know if i just plain stop talking to her or if i should let it be how it is, talk casually and just go with the flow. they both are hard to do things as stoping completely would alter a lot of things i’m doing now and talking to her every now and then kinda takes a day to recover and get back to my normal rythem. there is a lot more i can write that’d help you better assess the situation and give a better opinion but i guess this is enough for now. i love her more than she can imagine, even though she says she’s lost the faith from love her eyes tells different story. she’s just trying to push me away and is scared to get back into the relationship. she thinks my realization and change is just temporary and won’t last forever. she loves me to but she blames me for not being able to do a lot of things in these four years and its unfortunate that due to my idealistic approach and delay in financial stability she thinks that. i don’t blame her for anything but i can’t stop wondering that she can not see my efforts, and can’t trust me for the misinterpretations i tried to explain to her. i did take the blame for things i did and i’m in the process of correcting myself and become a better person. please help before things are too late.
@Brian – it looks like her finding your stuff has triggered jealousy and trust issues. Jealousy, because these women are potential rivals and possibly because she may be insecure. Trust, because you have kept the existence of these women a secret. She may be wondering why you would keep them a secret if they were only friends. It sounds like there are more than just a few women trying to talk to you. If it’s a big list, this would also contribute to her reaction.
Women want security in a relationship and her discovery has upset this. Since she has a child, stability as well as maturity in a man are especially important. If she has had unreliable partners in her past then she will find it harder to trust men in general. Her discovery of your friends confirms any fears she may have about your trustworthiness.
Your telling her about your true feelings is good. However, you need to explain why you never told her about your female friends. Even more importantly, you need to find a way to reassure her of your trustworthiness and that you will always be there for her. This may mean letting go of your female friends.
You mention concern about sounding weak. Communicating with her and reassuring her of your feelings isn’t what makes a person seem weak. It is whether you are feeling panic and desperation while you are talking to her. You want to communicate your feelings for her and to reassure her. You don’t want to communicate fear. You want her to feel that you are her rock of Gibraltar.
Even though she changed her mind, the fact that she wanted you back is a good sign. It means that she is still considering it. Her anger means that she has feelings for you. The toughest breakups to fix are those that involve very little emotion. You just have to find a way to address the issues mentioned above.
Using skype is much better than email because you can communicate your feelings better and you can give her immediate feedback to her concerns. Email is nothing more than symbols on a screen.
My ex girlfriend broke up with me cause she was going through my stuff and found where other girls were trying to talk to me. Most of them were old friends but one of them was an ex girlfriend that we used to be good friends. I am deployed and want to do anything i can to get her back. I dont want to sound weak, but i want her to know how i feel. I have told her how i feel, but she acts like she doesnt really feel the same way. But like two weeks ago she said she wanted me back and then the next day changed her mind. She has a kid and i have grown close to that kid. There is no way i can see her except on skype. When i send her emails of how i feel she usually does not reply but she says she will still talk to me if i need to talk to her. What is the best thing for me to do to get her back. I feel like i cant even sleep or eat. Should i try to forget about her or what?
@Suvadip – Can you tell me more about your breakup with Tania?
My love, Tania, has left me suddenly…… We had a good one year relationship……….. Though i had some faults, but i really loved her very much and cared for her………. I still love her and i am waitng for her……….. But i cant bear this situation any more……. Dying to see her, listen her once………… plz help me……….. I am 24 and she is 19…………. Plz help………. I just want to be with her…….. I amm ready to wait……………….
Hi Marco. Sorry to hear about your situation. I’ve written up a list of considerations to help you with your decision:
1.) Make sure that you want her back for the right reasons. Not based on fear of being alone or wanting to avoid the pain of breakup.
2.) She broke up with you. You should turn her feelings around first. Don’t get ahead of yourself and propose a long distance relationship too quickly because it will seem like you are desperately chasing her.
3.) Long distance relationships can be a strain on a good relationship so how is it going to work on a shaky one? It by itself won’t fix the breakup, it only makes a relationship possible after the issues are resolved.
4.) It can’t go on forever unless you have the time and money to hop on a plane several times a week. So there has to be an agreed upon goal to the long distance relationship and this goal needs to be fairly specific about when you will be physically together for good or if you will end the relationship.
5.) You will have to schedule communication and visits. A lot of trust will be required because she will naturally become more independent in your absence. She will find diversions involving other people that will not include you. This can be a source of jealousy and distrust.
My girlfriend for about 1 year recently moved to another state, and broke up with me, But still wants to be friends. She’s been hurt over and over by other guys, i lost my mind after the break up, i let my emotions take over me. i love her, but she isn’t sure of loving me back. i want to get her back, start over again. and hopefully she’ll come around. what do you suggest should i give up, forget about her or try to start a long distance relationship?
thanks
@mike: Hi Mike. When a woman says that she needs space or wants a break, there isn’t much that can be done about it. With other types of breakups, there’s something that you can try to fix. For instance, if a woman breaks up because she’s feeling neglected or feels she’s been lied to or cheated on or is dissatisfied with the relationship, etc, then there is a clear cut mistake that you can focus on. But if she needs time to sort things out on her own, there is no clear cut course of action for you to take. If she does decide to come back, she will have to make the decision on her own. You should be using this time to explore the benefits of being unattached. The balanced individual has interests that don’t involve a romantic partner. These interests can be either solitary or involve other friends. It is these interests that define him as a person and is what makes him interesting to others. You should not spend your time waiting, watching, and hoping for your girlfriend to come back.
@Dan: Hi Dan – I fully appreciate the dilemma you are facing – meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life. Unfortunately, both of you are caught up in a lot of life transitions which may cause you to part ways. I think that checking up on her and expressing your worries won’t help. You are at a unique point in your life that should be a time of exploration. These opportunities will come to an end once you’ve graduated and started your career. While maintaining some contact with her is good, you shouldn’t exclude the possibility of seeing someone else, especially if this person has already indicated an interest in you.
JD – Until you get to the bottom of why she lost her feelings for you, you shouldn’t be talking to her as if nothing has happened. Talking to her about everyday things is what you do when things are normal (which they aren’t because she has broken up with you). Acting as though nothing is wrong may make you feel better but won’t solve the problem. It will also leave a bad impression with her as well. The week that she had been telling you that she didn’t love you was when she decided to communicate this to you. Chances are good that she had been feeling this way before that week. If there are no clear incidents that you know of that caused this, then perhaps she’s getting bored with the relationship. If your relationship has fallen into a rut where you’ve been doing the same things, then perhaps you need to introduce some change. A large component of romance is fun, excitement, and mystery. Mechanical routine has a way of killing romance. Routine may bring you comfort (as it does for many people) but perhaps she doesn’t respond to it in the same way.
She may be able to tell you why she doesn’t love you but then again she may not. Love is something that is felt and she may be responding to this lack of “feeling” without knowing its exact cause.
My girlfriend of a year broke up with me yesterday. Her reasoning for it was because she no longer felt she loved me. We of course had our fights throughout the relationship but always resolved them and felt stronger together after. Now, she had been feeling that she didn’t love me for about a week and after that week was when she broke up with me. I still have feelings for her and want to get her back, but how long should I wait before talking to her? The breakup was on decent terms and no one said anything they regretted or anything that was meanspirited or the sort. This was both our first relationship and it was a very nice one. We both believed we had something special and good going on until that last week. She said she would be open to the idea of dating me again if her feelings returned but I still would like to talk to her about everyday things (how her day was, etc.). Can I do this in the meantime, or should I let her be for a while (and if so, how long?)
@guido – If you have been spending plenty of time with her and haven’t been cheating (as you say) then it looks like she has trust issues that are a result of her past relationships. Her asking you to stay at home and not socialize with your friends is not reasonable. I suspect that her asking you to move in with her was an attempt on her part to keep an eye on you. This is just a suspicion, not fact. Her friends not liking you is either because of something you said or did or because they are aligning themselves with your girlfriends point of view. Your choice in not moving in with her was correct if only because of the presence of her friends. It wouldn’t have been a healthy situation.
If you’re OK with her trust issues, then you will have to find ways of reassuring her of your love for her. She needs to understand that you are entitled to your friends just like she is to hers. You have no problems with her having friends so she shouldn’t object to your friendships either. Perhaps you could find a common interest that you both share which you could use to fold her into your life more.
my ex and i have been on a break for almost 2 months now. she said that she wanted to break up because she just needed some time to herself right now. and thought it would be a good idea for both of us right now. the relationship was great we both love each other and have always done right by each other. she said her feelings for me haven’t changed. i miss her and she isn’t seeing anyone and neither am i. she says she don’t want to rush into anything and that she just has not reached that point yet to try and work things out. she has said that she does not know when or if that will come but wishes for us to remain friends. we have been completely honest with each other about everything. she also said she doesn’t expect for me to wait on her and doesn’t want to play games like that. what do i do? i really love this girl and would like to give us another shot in the future…
my ex and i were very close. We were prom king and queen. we went to different colleges and i was way to insecure. I would check up on her and ask her what she did today. I realize that this was wrong now. she told me that she needs to find herself and figure out what she wants to do with her life and doesnt want a serious relationship right now. I honestly think shes the one. no one has ever made me as happy as she does. Were still friends but i dont know what i would do if we didnt get back together in the future. I stopped expressing my worries all together to her and still talk to her. Im trying to be positive and not seem desperate but at the same time im worried that by doing this she will move on all together and forget about me. I’m not sure what to do.
ive dated my girl for 2 years and it started out amazing for the first year then when we fought it just got soo intense and mean from both sides, a bit of effort and sprucing up and back together. then it would be bliss after. i play footy and she didnt fit in so then she started having sads at me for getting drunk with my friends saying anything is possible cheating etc when i was like that which would never have happened as i love her with all my heart. she then asked me to stay home instead of going out with my mates i didnt we broke up. 1 day then back together after apologising. she then asked me to move in with her i was very hesitant as her roomates did not like me at all and i get everything handed to me at home, i actually did want to move in btw, then we had a huge fight couple of days later and broke up. she now is saying that she loves me and all but cant trust me and that shes been hurt too much in the past, we then spent a night together at the start she was saying we’re not good together, a date followed by hugs and kisses her looking at me the way she used to then her saying maybe we shouldnt do this and more hugs and kisses then a goodbye. that happened yesterday i dont know what to do??
@DDDDDDDD – Thanks for your comment. It is true that sometimes a “breakup” isn’t really a true breakup but is only an expression of anger said in the passion of the moment. In such cases, an appropriate apology is what’s needed. But when a person wants to breakup and really means it, then an apology driven by panic, desperation and clingyness will backfire. The most difficult breakups to turn around happen when the person dumps his or her partner in a very calm manner. This type of breakup is deliberate, planned, and given a lot of thought.
If the girl broke up with you is because she is hurt by you doing something that was wrong, disrepectful, etc and hurt her feeling, she feels make trust was broken, she thinking were she actually is in ur life? Every woman what to know if there a future? If ur investing ur love, time in the relationship the person wants to make sure she not wasting her time. Or you said maybe we need a break, some time, Etc. And in the back of her mind also wants to know that, you will do something to stop her from leaving, and will look for her, show her that even thought you had a fight, U love her, and don’t care about ur ego. So….. yes go look fo her. I love someone with all my heart, and for a argument\fight he won’t look for me, even thou I’m in pain. With his slients he is showing me, I’m not important.
Zach – If you’d had a fight with her between earlier that day and the breakup, you would have mentioned it. So her sudden and unexplained change of mind may have been caused by:
1.) She found out something about you that angered her.
2.) You forgot to do or remember something that she was expecting.
3.) You unknowingly said or did something that angered her. Perhaps how you responded to her statement of never being happier rubbed her the wrong way?
You should contact her to find out why she wants to leave.
What if, you Hurt her real bad, she tells you that she never wants to see or hear from you again but a week or two later
You talk it out and begin talking again but then she does it again. And then a week later you talk again, but then again she wants to throw you out again and then two weeks later you two are talking again and it seems like everything is going to be ok but you some what rush into it. I’m not saying I was trying to get back with her but I rushed into telling her my feelings and trying to recover her imsecuritys, but now she says “your too much right now” and once again your at point A where it all began. What do I do? Now I got her to be nice to me and get me this far, after not wanting to “ever talk again” but she seems serious this time and doesn’t respond to any of my texts. Yes I know she wants time but for me it’s nearly impossible to not talk to her when she was just recently making me happy but flipped a switch in a matter of hours.
Thanks
So me and this girl were dating for a while, then she just dumps me and says that we don’t need to date. but earlier that day she said she had never been happier…..should i try to get back together with her?
@Josh – These are the first steps as mentioned in the title of the post. These steps are about avoiding common mistakes that make the situation worse. However I plan to beef up this post with more information about what you should do. Thanks for your comment.
Where are the answers to what you actually need to do this just tells you what not to do. @john I dont think you should see her if she is seeing other guys thats part of the devaluing thing just start seeing other girls or if you have any attractive female friends ask them to write on your fb or something like that. still seeing her while she is with other guys makes you look bad. but keep strong man i hope it works out
my girl of two years wants to start seeing other guys she says she still cares for me and wants to see me just doesnt want to be girlfriend any more but stilll makes plans to do things
my girl of two years wants to date other guys but also wants me to be a part of her life still wants to see me and do things we talk a lot mostly because i keep stopping by but she welcomes it